


I Crash and I Break Down

by wolfodder



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Gen, M/M, Mental Breakdown
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-21
Updated: 2015-08-21
Packaged: 2018-04-16 12:18:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4625082
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wolfodder/pseuds/wolfodder
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Suho is EXO's guardian, but he's not superhuman. When Suho needs to let himself be Junmyeon he has his own guardian by the name of Park Chanyeol.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Crash and I Break Down

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for [ablueblazer](http://ablueblazer.livejournal.com/), a Suho/Chanyeol fic fest. Also posted [here](http://wolfodder.livejournal.com/4786.html).

It has been two years since EXO's debut. For Suho, Junmyeon, whatever you want to call him, it feels like ages. Stressful preparations, performances, airport trips every week for months on end. It's always worth it seeing the fans happy, but it still puts a strain on him. Junmyeon wonders if he's weak, a bad leader. He's heard people say so, after all. Maybe he is.  
  
Yifan leaves SM in the middle of May, leaves Junmyeon to encourage the ten other members alone as they practice for their first concert. For weeks, everyone is easily irritable. Trying to count the amount of arguments Junmyeon has to break up would be ridiculous.  
  
Then Chanyeol is there, and he never argues. Since Yifan left he has been able to see the tense look on the leader's face. Junmyeon finds himself recognizing the younger boy's touch on his arm when he has to break up yet another argument.  
  
One time, there is Baekhyun and Jongdae arguing over the Xbox, and they all know it is petty and dumb, but they do it anyway because it's how they are.  
  
“You had it last night,” Baekhyun says and grabs the controller from Jongdae's hands.  
  
“No, I let Sehun play on it because _I'm_ a good person,” Jongdae growls. They keep on bickering, and it's not even a real argument, but it grates on Junmyeon's nerves.  
  
Finally, he can't handle it anymore. The past week has been too much to handle and he is tired and _done_.  
  
“Can you two just _shut up about the goddamn Xbox_?!” he yells, and the room goes silent. He figures he might as well go on now that he's started ranting. “I've had enough of this bullshit! Why is everyone fighting so much? Why can't you figure things out quietly like _normal fucking adults_? I'm tired of this! _Please_ , just shut the fuck up!” Junmyeon goes quiet. He rubs his eyes and turns away.  
  
A hand touches his arm. He looks up and sure enough, Chanyeol is there. Behind them he can hear soft voices murmuring, and he feels like crying.  
  
“Hyung?”  
  
Junmyeon doesn't reply, just takes Chanyeol's hand and sighs heavily, feeling a little lighter as he holds the large hand in his.  
  
  
  
In October, SMTown goes to Tokyo. The artists get some time to themselves in Tokyo on the last day after SM's concert. Junmyeon, Chanyeol, Jongdae and Jongin end up in a figure shop. While the younger look around, Junmyeon finds himself alone, letting his gaze glide over shelves filled with manga.  
  
“Hyung, look!” Chanyeol calls from the back of the store. He is holding a green lightsaber in one hand and waving Junmyeon over with the other, looking every bit like the overexcited puppy that Junmyeon is almost certain he is. To Junmyeon who is a big Star Wars-fan, though, the lightsabers are tempting, so he finds himself indulging the lanky boy with a relaxed grin, trying not to look too excited.  
  
Somehow they end up with one lightsaber each, battling each other in the back of the store and suppressing giggles because dammit, they are _not_ children; they are Jedi.  
  
“Die, Yoda,” Junmyeon exclaims and charges at Chanyeol with his red lightsaber.  
  
At that, Chanyeol drops his arm and pouts. “Hyung, how many times do I have to tell you I'm not Yoda?”  
  
The younger man's reaction has Junmyeon staring for a few seconds. “Sorry,” he says, and then he's laughing hard. He can't believe how adorable Chanyeol looks. Junmyeon drops to the floor laughing, absently wondering if this exaggerated reaction is something he learned from Chanyeol. The giant is still pouting, prodding at Junmyeon with his foot while trying not to break into a grin. (He fails.)  
  
Chanyeol supposes this is one way for Junmyeon to cope with the stress. Being the leader among a bunch of big children, being Suho, must be hard, no matter how many smiles he puts on his face. Chanyeol just wants to help, let Junmyeon know that he isn't alone. Maybe it's partially a way for himself to show his adoration for the older man.  
  
In the end, they decide to not buy the lightsabers. When Junmyeon is ready to leave, Chanyeol is taking a while.  
  
"Chanyeol, are you coming?" calls Junmyeon. "Jongin and Jongdae are waiting for us."  
  
"Just a minute!" he hears Chanyeol reply from inside the shop. Junmyeon sighs to himself as he waits, assuming that Chanyeol is up to shenanigans again. Probably some toy to prank Baekhyun or Jongdae with. It's sort of endearing, Junmyeon thinks.  
  
When Chanyeol exits the figure shop, he is smiling broadly and carrying a plastic bag in his hand.  
  
"Did you buy anything cool?" Junmyeon asks curiously.  
  
"Yeah." By the way Chanyeol is grinning Junmyeon decides it's probably best not to ask what he bought.  
  
  
  
On the way back to Korea there's a huge amount of fans waiting at the airport, ready to pounce as usual. Junmyeon doesn't mind, usually; even though it's slightly unsettling to constantly have someone watching you and taking pictures of you in the airport, he's flattered that the fans even bother taking the time to see a bunch of guys getting on a plane. Today, though, he's already exhausted and high-strung from the events of the past few days, not to mention the entire year. He's supposed to be the leader of EXO, but most of the time it doesn't feel like he's doing much actual leading other than representing their group. Still, even just representing them takes its toll when rumours fly at the speed of light and he has to assume some responsibility. His position as leader also makes him feel like he _is_ responsible for his members, which he supposes he is, to some extent.  
  
Junmyeon puts on a small smile for the fans as the managers pave the way for him and the other members to get to the check-in. After all, the fans _did_ come here to see them; he should show his appreciation.  
  
His smile only becomes strained when Sehun, who is walking next to him, mutters “Hyung, there are so many fans today.” Sehun is right; there are way more people around them than usual and it's getting tighter and a bit hard to move.  
  
“It's okay, Sehun-ah,” he replies under his breath. “They won't bother us.” Junmyeon pats the younger on the back feeling like he's also trying to reassure himself.  
  
“Oppa, can I please have your autograph?” Somehow a fan got surprisingly close to him and is now waving a small notebook and a pen. “Oppa, please!” Junmyeon considers it – anything to make a fan happy – but realizes that they don't have time to stop – and then, of course, before he gets to say anything, other fans get inspired to ask him and the rest of the group for their autographs. All of a sudden there's a loud chaos of “Oppa, your autograph, please!” and “I love you oppa, please give me your autograph!” and the fans get much too close for comfort, forcing them to stop walking. He gets separated from Sehun and can hear Baekhyun laughing nervously somewhere behind him. From where Junmyeon can see him, Chanyeol seems surprisingly calm as he tries to explain why he can't give out any autographs at the moment.  
  
Junmyeon, by now, has performed in a bunch of concerts in venues full of screaming fans, and he hasn't minded, but when they're this close around him, all trying to get their idol's attention, he doesn't know what to do. So he tries an apologetic smile, seeing the other members' discomfort, and tells the myriad of girls closest to him – no one else would have heard him and he'd rather not shout – that they would love to give them their autographs but don't have time and to please let them move on.  
  
He's about to say more – “I hope you understand”, “please come to our concerts and fanmeetings”, “please don't stop loving EXO”, maybe something reassuring – when he and the other members are ushered on by a manager.  
  
It's a little relieving to get away from the noise, but guilt tears at him when he thinks of all of the disappointed fans. Junmyeon can't handle disappointing people, he just can't. What if the fans start hating him? He knows that not a lot of people get bitter for not getting autographs, but some might. They could become angry and spread vile rumours; it's not like it hasn't happened before. The thought that he could be the cause of trouble for his members, his employers and possibly even his fans, makes Junmyeon feel terrible.  
  
A body collides with his back and sends him stumbling forwards. He thinks it was Zitao, but he doesn't get time to think about it because of the realization that there are still fans following them in close proximity and shoving past their managers to get to the idols.  
  
Suddenly, Junmyeon finds it hard to breathe. His eyes widen as he tries to breathe without being very obvious. It's hard. This can't end well, he thinks as he rubs his eyes with one hand. The noise is too much. It's too much, and all the pressure of the past few days comes crashing down on him at once. The performances, the many airport trips, the screaming of fans, the constant scrutiny, everything, until all that's left is Junmyeon, hyperventilating, sporting an intense headache and wanting to break down and cry in front of everyone. He needs to stay strong and be a good example as the leader; but he can't _breathe_.  
  
A hand grabs his free arm and Junmyeon jerks in surprise, but relaxes when he recognizes the familiar touch. “Hyung, are you okay?” Chanyeol's deep voice mutters in his ear.  
  
Junmyeon lets out a heavy breath he didn't realize that he had been holding. He shakes his head quietly. “Not really,” he whispers. He needs to stay strong, but it's okay to tell Chanyeol that he isn't, because Chanyeol knows that he doesn't _feel_ strong. Chanyeol is somehow always there for him, if only with a smile or a simple touch.  
  
Chanyeol hums softly and pulls Junmyeon closer, and Junmyeon lets him, most of the screaming fans fought off by the managers as they move to the check-in. “It's okay, Junmyeon-hyung, I'm here,” says the rapper, his arm around the leader's waist. Junmyeon then realizes that he has grabbed a tight hold of the younger's coat and lets it go, albeit a little reluctantly. Somehow just holding on to Chanyeol's coat felt slightly comforting, though it doesn't change the way Junmyeon's stomach churns uncomfortably, nor does it stop the feeling of his throat closing up.  
  
“I feel like I'm going to be sick.” The words are only a whisper, but Chanyeol seems to hear him and grabs the arm of the manager closest to them. Junmyeon hears low mumbling but can't discern the words the younger is saying. It doesn't matter much though, because Chanyeol is suddenly pulling him away from the rest of the group, one manager trailing behind them. Unable to think clearly, Junmyeon lets it happen, lets Chanyeol lead him away to...the rest room, apparently.  
  
Junmyeon throws up into a toilet with a familiar hand rubbing soothing circles on his back and patting him softly. He can faintly hear Chanyeol murmuring again but not what he's saying. When he is finally done retching he can hear that the younger is muttering, “You're okay, hyung. It's okay,” and feels so very grateful to know such a caring person. He wants to cry with all of the emotions he is having and if he wasn't still leaning over a toilet bowl in the middle of an airport, he probably would.  
  
He cleans himself up at the sink. “Breath mint?” Chanyeol offers, and Junmyeon gratefully accepts. Then the rapper pats the top of his head lightly. “Are you feeling better now?”  
  
“Yeah, I think so.”  
  
"Good. Let's go back out there. Don't worry about the amount of fans, I'm here to protect you.” Chanyeol grins slightly and grabs Junmyeon's hand.  
  
The thought that he needs protection makes Junmyeon grimace. “You'd think I'd be used to this after two years,” he mutters with a sigh, and Chanyeol's grip on his hand tightens in silent support.  
  
“To be fair, there was an unusually large amount of people today and it could make anyone claustrophobic. Not to mention that you've had a lot on your plate recently. It's understandable.” Chanyeol's eyes are kind; if he wasn't the leader of EXO Junmyeon would have allowed himself to break down even more and cry, but he _is_ the leader, and they are in an airport and they don't have time for his mental breakdowns.  
  
He's not okay, but the rapper's words are reassuring nonetheless.  
  
“I suppose so.” Junmyeon musters up a smile and glances up at the rapper. “Okay, I'm ready. Let's go home.”  
  
Chanyeol nods and pulls Junmyeon with him.  
  
“Hey, Chanyeol,” he calls out as the younger man reaches for the door. Chanyeol stops and turns back to him with a questioning look. “Thanks.”  
  
“No problem, hyung.”  
  
  
  
They're in the dorms when Chanyeol enters Junmyeon's room; he sees the leader lying on his bed, glancing up at the rapper with questioning eyes. Junmyeon's head is hurting slightly after the stress of the past few days. Actually, it has been hurting constantly for a while now. It's only a mild pain, but enough to tire him out quickly. Frankly, he's still amazed that he was able to do the concert with good spirits considering the state he's in.  
  
Ever since his breakdown at the airport, he has felt sort of...empty whenever he ended up alone. It isn't necessarily a bad thing – sometimes it's a good empty, like he doesn't need to think so much, but sometimes he just feels small. He's glad Chanyeol is here now.  
  
"What's up?" Junmyeon asks because Chanyeol's hands are behind his back and something is definitely up.  
  
Chanyeol bites his bottom lip, then pulls his hands out from behind his back, where he is holding his bag from the figure shop. This earns a frown from Junmyeon.  
  
“What's in the bag?” he asks curiously.  
  
With a tentative grin, Chanyeol reaches into the bag and pulls out a lightsaber. Junmyeon gapes.  
  
“You bought the lightsaber?” he exclaims.  
  
“I bought the lightsaber,” Chanyeol confirms. “No, actually, I bought two!” He pulls out another lightsaber and waves it before tossing it onto Junmyeon's bed. Then the giant presses a button on his own lightsaber and it starts to glow green like the one he had used back in the figure shop.  
  
Lips pursing in a fascinated pout, Junmyeon sits up and picks up the lightsaber on his bed and examines it, noting that it's red like the one he had used. He looks up at Chanyeol in surprise. “For me?”  
  
“You've been so tense lately,” the tall man explains. “I think you need to get your mind off things.”  
  
It was a good idea; Junmyeon _has_ been tense. And he loves Star Wars. He bites his bottom lip as he looks at the lightsaber in his hand. Then he looks at Chanyeol, standing there with the green lightsaber, and he's reminded of their epic battle in the back of the figure shop in Tokyo. A smile creeps onto his face as he presses the button that makes his lightsaber glow red.  
  
“You're going down, Yoda,” he says with a grin before getting off his bed.  
  
The evening sees Junmyeon and Chanyeol chasing each other around the dorm with their lightsabers. They run over the couches, leaving Minseok and Yixing to get out of their way in order to not be run over, Chanyeol laughing loudly and Junmyeon giggling. They barely take notice of Kyungsoo and Zitao fighting over who used up all the soap, and Baekhyun and Jongdae trying to up each other in high notes.  
  
They barely take notice of Sehun watching them with a frown. “Nerds,” he says, trying to focus on what his phone screen is telling him.  
  
When they run into Chanyeol's shared room with Kyungsoo and Jongin, shouting out Star Wars references, they stop for a second as they realize that Jongin was sleeping in there, and now he's not.  
  
“Sorry,” Junmyeon whispers with a hand over his mouth. Jongin doesn't bother saying anything, just glares at them a little before he groans and gets out of his bed, softly padding out of the room and flopping down on the couch next to Sehun.  
  
Junmyeon and Chanyeol stare after him for a few seconds. Then they look at each other and burst into a fit of giggles.  
  
Neither of them speak until they've stopped laughing, when Chanyeol grins weakly and says, “Oops?”  
  
He's distracted, which is why Junmyeon's next attack catches him off guard and he yelps, flailing onto his bed. Shameless, Junmyeon follows him and they end up wrestling playfully on Chanyeol's bed.  
  
They're laughing again when Junmyeon wins their fight, holding Chanyeol's wrists gently. “This is the most fun I've had in a while,” he states. His words make Chanyeol smile fondly.  
  
Junmyeon lets go of the taller boy's wrists and lays down on top of him, pressing the button that makes his lightsaber stop glowing and letting it go. He lets out a heavy sigh. “You're so good to me, Chanyeol.”  
  
“I try,” comes the soft reply. Two long arms wrap around Junmyeon's waist, and there are a few seconds of comfortable silence before Chanyeol speaks again. “I know you're the leader and you try to be our guardian and all that, but I also know you're only human and I care about your well-being. Can't let you burn out without anyone to confide in. Don't think that you have to be Suho around me. Be Junmyeon.”  
  
“Have I told you you're great?” Junmyeon mumbles after letting the words sink in, and Chanyeol chuckles. “No, really, you are. That thing at the airport...I'm a mess lately. I'm just glad to have someone like you by my side.”  
  
“Any time, hyung.” The feeling of the taller boy's hand running slowly through his hair allows Junmyeon to close his eyes and just _feel_ for a while.  
  
  
  
Soon after, Luhan leaves. Junmyeon wishes him good luck with a soft smile and a hug, but even though everyone knew about it before it happened this time, Junmyeon can't help but feel like the group is falling apart.  
  
Maybe _he's_ the one falling apart, he thinks as he goes to bed that night.  
  
Chanyeol doesn't let him.  
  
He slips into Junmyeon's bed and holds him tight, and Junmyeon lets it all out. Everything, all of the stress he's been through since EXO's debut, especially the last months, becomes tears running down Kim Junmyeon's face in the middle of the night as he lies in Chanyeol's arms. Chanyeol holds his hand and doesn't let go.  
  
Junmyeon voices his worries that the group is falling apart, but Chanyeol just shakes his head slowly and hums into the leader's shoulder. “We're not going to fall apart, Junmyeon. We might have lost a couple of members, but as long as we have you, EXO is not going anywhere. You're the best leader, hyung.”  
  
Junmyeon can't help but smile a little through his tears because he really needed to hear that. He turns around in Chanyeol's grasp and looks up at the younger boy. “Do you really think so?” he whispers, trying to wipe the tears off his face because really, he must look like a mess.  
  
A thumb slides across his cheekbones, and Chanyeol nods. “Definitely.”  
  
After a long while of soft whispering about everything that comes into mind, Junmyeon falls asleep with his cheek pressed into Chanyeol's chest, his fingers curled into the taller boy's shirt and Chanyeol's arm wrapped around his waist.  
  
Chanyeol presses a kiss to the top of his leader's head and whispers a “goodnight” to the sleeping boy before drifting off, too.  
  
Maybe they will be okay, after all.


End file.
